Relationships After Forty
VACATION
I am currently writing a novel and will get back to this column in June.
See Ya,
Steph
Boldly Going Where This Chick Hasn't Gone Before
I'm gone my dear friends. I am taking a ride on the online dating highway. Why you might ask, because that is what is working for people my age or really almost any age. Lets face a well known often ignored fact you don't want to be Nick Nolte at the bar. It just ruins your excellent reputation and well you look a little pathetic. At one point or another you are just the dude or chick too old to be at the bar. Sorry, I don't know who made that rule but whoever did made it for our own good.
SO BAM! Online dating the best thing since the Paris Vineyards right outside of town. How does it work for one thing you MUST and let me stress this one more time MUST take several good pics of yourself. If you are like me you may have to take fifty to find four good ones. Then have your teenage son or daughter download them for you and post them to your profile. Ah the profile where you show yourself to be witty and entertaining. Remember the Jon Lovitz character on SNL "GET TO KNOW ME"! Get to know me in a few short sentences. Apparantly we all like long walks and the Dallas Cowboys.
You know my favorite guys, the ones that say "no fat chicks need apply". I just want to show the love.
You know Texas is a huge state so why did I have to meet a Viking from Minnesota? Is it just that we don't live close so we can speak freely? Probably. I know he won't be popping in unexpectedly and I find that very attractive indeed. But there again the more I open up to him, the more comfortable I feel with him the more I wish he was ABLE to pop in unexpectedly. So therein lies one of the main hazards of online dating that is meeting someone from another galaxy in cyberspace.
You No Fat Chick Guys - I don't want to slam you because it's just too easy but you must know there is so much more to a person than outward appearance. Yes, I know it's what you find attractive and that is totally personal but think about that the next time some insightful girl doesn't want to go out with you for some superficial reason such as the size of your.....nose. Maybe if you took the time to get to know someone you may not normally find attractive you might just find their rocking sense of humor or their ability to find the good in any situation very sexy indeed. Just a thought.
As for me my tag line reads: "Sense of Humor Required"
Ciao,
Steph
Four Weddings and ......
Hot Springs - one of the most beautiful places on God's green earth especially in spring time. The perfect place for a wedding that I would give my best fitting jeans not to have to go to. However my posse was going to drag me there anyway because it would make me feel better. Feel better - about what? This was Elle's third wedding. Feel better about sitting in the crowd adding up all the expenses in my head thinking they could have used the money for a rockin two week vacation in Baja where Surfer Dude and I said we wanted to go? Feel better about having already burned through my third marriage? Oh I know feel better about no one expecting me to catch the bouquet anymore because surely I have caught my limit.
"Okay if you insist on being a sullen bitch you have to drive." Ahh true friends tell it like it is and sister's tell it whether you want them to or not. "You can beat yourself up about this all you want," says my sister from the passenger seat as I drove, "but he just didn't have enough grit to last with a person like you."
Was that a compliment or a reference to my cute quirks? Gigi stinking the car up with nail polish in blush pink and white rose petal threw in her thoughts. "Nice guy but you just weren't conveniant eough for him. You are a very complicated person and really, sista you need someone who is just as intelligent as you are."
Was that a compliment or another reference to my cute quirks? Could she be right? Maybe not just as intelligent is the correct phrase - maybe two people's intellectual interests should be similar? Surfer Dude I thought was very intelligent just differently than I.
Finally, the drive was over and we made it just in time to be seated amongst the peach and cream crepe paper and roses. Wow, Elle still looked fantastic and Chuck looked as if he didn't care that he was number three. When I had called Elle on the phone a few weeks ago after hearing of the big plans she had sighed, "I just knew Steph." She enjoyed huge flea markets and so did he. He adored watching Southern Arkansas University football and she enoyed sitting beside him learning the game. "What's a tight end honey?"
Okay, the two therapists slept as I listened to Bonnie Raitt and drove slower than usual through a light rain that lasted all the way back to Texas. You know today was a good day, it was better than yesterday and way better than the day before that - I would be okay and I knew that from the moment my heart broke saying goodbye to him.
Ciao,
Steph
Mourning The End Of Almost Perfect
Yeah, I miss Surfer Dude. I have been truly thinking of what went wrong and my part in the relationships demise. So much so that I forgot about his part as well. It's no secret that I seem to be on a quest for perfection so when things ended with SD I totally blamed myself for not being more flexible, more elastic about every day human traits. I must tell you I was feeling like an outcast in a world of loving couples, okay and some not so loving couples but even they seem to possess some sort of stick to itness that I do not.
So tonight I have a smile on my face because I got an out of the blue call from Brandywine. Oh, to tell you the story I must first say I was on vacation, our eyes met across a crowded room and boom it was like we had grown up in the same town. We danced and I think we may have even sang a bit (the memory is foggy from too much cold beer and salty shrimp). The next couple of days I only wish we could have shared more alone time instead of baby sitting people way too old to be considered babies. On our last day in his home state he was distant and I was leaving....plus he was younger. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am WAY too neurotic to actually date a younger man. I would be keeping botox in the freezer in a frenzied attempt to stay fresh..and maybe a little frozen.
So it is always a surprise to hear from Brandywine. But I am glad he has kept in touch, not too much and not to little for our circumstances it's just right. In subsequent talks with him and a few texts I realize the intensity he possesses is part of what makes him so attractive to me. I find him intelligent and articulate if not quiet and sometimes brooding. He is well read but I get the sense he is well read on his own terms picking and choosing what he elects to take in soley on what interests him and not what may be part of Oprah's book list, don't get me wrong Oprah is my queen. Sometimes when we talk he seems more like an older man - perhaps he is an old soul.
Just when I thought I may never get it right he says to me, "...you must have a connection with someone and then keep it. For me, lots of times it just goes away...", hmmm so I am not the only one who is having troubles staying connected. He continued, "there was nothing wrong with this college student I was dating, she was beautiful and intelligent but she just communicated with me too much. Every spare minute she had she would be texting or calling..." Face it Brandywine today's Baby Women are so technosupercharged you can never escape (same goes for Baby Men) - nothing wrong with it just know you can be tracked down NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE.
Suddenly, talking to a person who had the same eskimo feet as me I felt a little less alone. I wanted to reach across the hours that separated us and snuggle into him and say to us both - "We are good people so what we want fireworks to last and never grow dull. So what if we always run just so we won't get hurt. So what if we want more than almost perfect.
I'll see you soon my friend thanks for the shout or in your case the good conversation.
Ciao,
Steph
A Dialogue With Chatty Cathy
It seems the previous column (Is Perfection Too Much?) made waves among some of my male readers. We will call this reader Chatty Cathy (he is very much male and is gifted with the ability to communicate). Now I need you to consider that Chatty and I dated, not seriously nor exclusively but our time together was very pleasant and I harbor absolutely no hard feelings toward him and I THOUGHT he harbored none towards me. His subject line was "You Floor Me". Now I would like to share his thoughts:
At 20 we could look for perfection but we were young, didn't care and thought (foolishly) that we could fix people. After 40 we should know better!! Yep you guessed it... I read your latest column. I swear you have eskimo feet. This raises a bunch of questions.
About him... he sounds great. Was he married before and the ex took care of all the holidays for him? Does he celebrate the holidays, some people don't. Did he ignore you at Christmas, if not then he was thinking of you. To find out all you have to do is ask him. Simple. You may be surprised at the answer but it would be terrible to dump him on assumptions alone.
About you. So why the cold feet? Could you like being single and just not recognize it? There are only implied rules that to be happy we HAVE to be married with the whole picket fence and all. People get married at all ages now. Maybe now's not the time. If it is what you're looking for then that leads to my last question...are you stupid??
Just thought I'd throw in my 10 cents worth. (inflation) Love you're column.
Okay, Chatty you have some valid points the first one being at our age we shouldn't think we are going to change anyone. EXACTLY - I don't want to change anyone. Is it too much to ask for someone who just by being himself fits the personality traits I am looking for? So I want someone who is thoughtful, I want the red rose guy - does that make me a commitment phobe? (Well Chatty maybe you shouldn't be the one to answer that particular question) - moving on.
I did ask him about ...for lack of a better term his thoughtlessness and he laughed it off. Now, about my cold eskimo feet as you so gallantly put it. I AM happy being single. I have the best girlfriends and male friends for that matter - that anyone could possibly ask for and they go through the same doubts and truisms that I do. To be honest Chatty - I have always thought that HE never truly existed and what did I do I settled for ALMOST more than once thinking that was the way it was suppose to be. After all the heartache after all the disappointments and letdowns I will wait and if that makes me stupid then so be it.
Ciao,
Steph
I would love to hear from you - if you would like to leave a comment please look at the top of the column and you will see a place to post "Comments". Thanks S.
Is Perfection Too Much?
I know this fabulous man. He is a funny and caring human being yet he is just a tad unthoughtful. There are no presents on special occassions there isn't much sentimentality to speak of. He says the big L word and I have no doubt in my mind that he means it. He is successful, he is handsome, he is smart and he ISN'T what I want and definately not what I need.
"So your saying this was your first Valentine's Day together and he didn't get you anything," Gigi (who has a tendency to open her eyes really wide when she is surprised) is aghast at such a suggestion, at my affirming nod she continues, "well that just shows you what the rest of your dating life with him will be like".
My sister almost choked on her bacon spinach salad, "he is a really good guy I think maybe he forgot or just got busy."
I take a sip of mochatini, "Christmas would be a negative on the present front as well."
Gigi's eyes said it all - the widest I had ever seen them. My sister put down her fork and wiped her mouth, "okay, is it that important to you, do you need material things to feel loved?" This comig from a woman who had recently (in the last six months) made finding a future husband a job. She even had a model business plan on how to find a husband. She also had a list of deal breakers and not purchasing a valetines day card didn't make her list. That's my sister organized and to the point and I....well let's just say the other airy fairies call me their queen.
I thought about it later when I was alone. It's funny how at the tender (more like tenderized) age of forty it's so much easier to step back and really look at a relationship without too much emotion. He always treats me when we are out. I never have to think twice about retrieving my wallet (listen up baby women the MAN should ALWAYS pay for the date - I know you may think it's old fashioned but I will address the importance of this in a later column). He sometimes opens doors and he calls regularly so what is the problem?
The problem is I am a self sufficient woman and I don't really have to date ANYONE but when I do make a committment to see only one man then I want him to be extraordinary. Extraordinary on his own merit. I want that to be a part of his character to begin with before he ever meets me. It's not that material things are the most important factor - it really truly is the thought that counts and it all boils down to this: I was not on his mind at Christmas and I was not in his thoughts on Valentine's Day either. So where does that leave us? It leaves us as friends - because he is a good person and some woman will find him perfect. They won't find presents beneath the tree but they will think of him as perfect despite the lack of special occassion acknowledgement.
As for me, yes maybe I am on a pointless search for someone that doesn't really exist. That one especially made for me. You see I settled in the past for almost perfect and that didn't turn out the way I wanted. So why not wait for that man who will cook for me in his socks, who will run out and get that night time sniffling, coughing, sneezing etc., etc., so I can rest medicine. Why not wait for that guy who will think of me at Christmas time. There is no reason to settle -
Ciao,
Steph
Does Size Really Matter?
The title question could just as well be: Is it hot in Texas in the summer?
There is a particular person in my past who is, shall we say - dare we say, well blessed. That's right his feet are huge, his hands are long and he has wide shoulders. He walks with a confident sway and he always looks as if he has (uh hum) a big secret and he does. A secret he is willing to share with whoever will listen. In the world of men this is like the gold medal of all events of any Olympic Games ever known to humanity and there it is right in his pants (did you really think I meant feet?). So really who can blame this ode to manhood for being proud, because ladies you have to admit it size does matter.
(Hold on my lips are chapped from this cold wind - oh look at that chap stick tube. Hmmm about as long as my little pinkie. Back to the topic at hand). Size- well there is something fulfilling about a man who can.....fulfill you but what about satisfaction? All of you blessed men out there read carefully. We women have discussed this, whispered really amongst ourselves but we tend to pass the knowledge on: if you don't know how to use the Eiffel Tower you will never see the view from the top. Just opening up the Eiffel Tower for business without preparing the public for its exploration is just....not wise then it becomes just another chore. A woman has to be prepared for the ride and if you can accomplish that, if you can hold off until the woman is ready to take in the spectacular view YOU have won the game and then YOU have the bragging rights you deserve.
Now, that is not the secret to life. All of you men (putting the lid back on the chap stick tube) need to heed the warning concerning preparation no matter if you are blessed or if you have a political commentator in your pants (think Stephanopoulos). Being a good tour guide will earn you top marks no matter what is parked in the underground garage. I have actually heard over the years women who drive economical two door cars and LOVE them say their small compact vehicles seem to GROW - that their own bodies seem to adjust to the luxurious two seater. (You don't really think I am talking about a car do you?)
So the final answer is yes size matters but the tour, the handling of the steering wheel is even more important.
Ciao,
Steph
Looking Back
I am safely tucked away in the arms of what could be love. Big somewhat fuzzy arms but nevertheless. When on the cusp of something really good relationship wise doesn't it almost feel like you are about to take a nosedive over a cliff, like Thelma and Louise driving that ole caddy over the rim of the grand canyon.
Whew...and what about all your baggage especially if you have been "seasoned" by life as we, women in our late 30's, 40's and well beyond have been. We can look back and know that in the beginning God not only created the heavens and the earth - but a relationship usually looks perfect in the beginning only to sputter and collapse. So who wouldn't look back at those past connections and think.....wow could that have been it and I just didn't see it? I often look back at my first love and wonder...what if? What if we had taken that one passionate make out session and extended it to forever? It's kinda weird he is the only one I look back at and think that. You know why - I think it's because THEN we were believers in that ever after ideal of what love could be. We would get married have five children and live happily ever after in the town we grew up in.
Quick reality check chick: Probably not. So where can we put the what ifs? In a special section of our heart and mind and just slowly move forward? Exactly - that's what we need to do and look at all of our past in the most honest way imaginable and learn from it. Moi, I have learned that I don't like guys who lack a certain amount of ambition. I don't like guys who are condescending to waitresses and waiters (spit in his food not mine - thank you so much) and I don't like men who feel they have to belittle to make themselves appear bigger. These little specks of wisdom not only apply to men, women can be just as guilty of not being a good partner or a good citizen of humanity.
Looking Back I didn't know myself very well. I was a pleaser and still am to some extent. I would adjust my likes, dislikes, anger and happiness to fit whomever I was with and eventually miserable because of it. Now at my age it's like "whoa, there baby I need to get out of here because i know that isn't going to work", and it's such a good feeling to be myself with someone. It's an even better feeling having a relationship with someone because I want to - not feeling as if I HAVE to.
As for you my first love - you were the first time my heart flipped inside my breastbone and you will always be in my heart with your Tom Petty hairdo and the way you tipped your ball cap trying to look at me on the sly. Seeing you makes me feel young and I remember....oh I do remember you.
Ciao,
Steph
The Peter Frampton Chronicals
Yeah Baby you know who I am talking about, that man above all men: Peter Frampton, the tickler of the guitar strings with that long mane of blonde hair and shirtless with just a guitar covering all that tanned skin. Whew....my first crush can you tell? I saw him just the other day in an insurance commercial and OMG he looks like a colleague of mine - a college professor who teaches the fine art of writing. No offense to you Professor Sting but what pray tell happened to my golden crush?
The same thing that happened to my breasts I think - age and possibly a little too much jogging. Then I magically froze the new PF in Tivo and played it over just a few times (could this be OCD behavior?) anyway - the man still has it. You and I both Baby!
I hate to admit this but many a night having Peter above me (his poster taped to the wall) influenced me in ways that are to this day a little - strange. Any significant man in my life has always been classified into a band, not all men just the ones I spent an inordinant amount of time with.....hahaha let's take a looksee over the years. Presenting the Peter Frampton Chronicles:
We will start with my first husband Dip Fit - Now I was married to Dip Fit about two minutes but still yet he has a special file in my office. He was a member of Pink Floyd because his hair flipped out to the side in a particular way. I used to could see him on a gray smoky stage all brooding and dark. Now I see him as more a member of the Simpson family - drawn the same.
My favorite ex-hubby would be Sharp Fit - I was married to SF quite a while and because we remain good friends to this day he graces the stage with Van Halen and before he cut his wild hair on occassion I let him sit in with Journey. Play away Sharp Fit.
My last ex-hubby is Lying Sack Of Fit - LSF is one of those "musicians" who would play a guitar only to have something to do with his hands because he can't actually play an instrument he can only pretend to play something when in actuality he doesn't know what the hell he is doing. So as much as I hate to say it he is the third member of Milly Vanilly - maybe Texas Willy. Milly Vanilly featuring Texas Willy yes I think that will do just fine.
Of course darlin' we have honorable mentions and you know you may even recognize a few of these "band members" in your own past:
Gene Simmons - An ugly guy but has other talents that miraculously get him laid.
Mick Jagger - A charismatic guy that makes you look past his lack of looks but can't keep it in his pants.
Keith Richards - Do I really have to explain that one, the living dead - ever seen the movie?
Oooh and for you guys that I classified as "Def Leppard" material - just know that was the ultimate compliment.
As for my latest flame I am trying to be more mature and not classify him into a band category but it's really difficult. I think he might be awesome playing base with Sammy Hagar.....rock on.
Ciao
Steph
Maintenance Baby Just A Little Maintenance
You know those endearing little lines that hang around your eyes? They are usually called laugh lines or those pesky whispy webs (for me anyway right at the ridge of my nose) called frown lines (those should be a designated marital hazard) well listen up chickies we now have BOTOX. I have decided that botox should be ranked right up there with checking the tire pressure on your car. I mean really the science exists to make your skin look 25 again - I even think that is where the expression 40 is the new 30 came from.
Okay, so you can't frown once you get injected with a substance that in much much larger quantities could kill you but have you heard the disclaimers for the male enhancers "...if you experience an erection lasting for more than four hours please call your doctor..." , my friend - Vivacious Knox says "don't call your doctor baby open up that little black book and call everyone.." Oh my. Personally, if you have a four hour problem - GO AWAY that just sounds tedious if I wanted to be that athletic I would have made the Olympics a life's goal.
Just think you men who read the column, yeah I know at least three of you, your woman will be calling you versions of the word bastard you have never even thought of but her face will be serene and pleasant as if she had just got out of a hot tub.
Maintenance babeez - just like exercise and a good diet. Now for you purists who relish every wrinkle because it represents a fold in life's proverbial blanket. I admire you. YOU are the salt of the earth. YOU are the crown upon a man's head. YOU will save the planet. So will I - and I will look smooth and serene while doing it! AM I RIGHT??? You know I am.
Ciao,
Steph
Update: Surfer Dude aka Rugged Outdoorsman
I know what you are thinking - I haven't posted in a while (my bad) but I am getting a handle on this thing with the Rugged Outdoorsman. Yeah, it's Surfer Dude and OMG I swear we have known each other for years. The similarities are uncanny (whoever said opposites attract didn't finish the rest of that thought - opposites attract chaos and nervous weight gain). It's as if I sat in Santa's lap and he sensed I needed a little Christmas present a 6ft tall 210 pound man wrapped in denim and flannel. THANKS SANTA YOU ROCK!
You can imagine I was a little nervous driving to meet him (it was only five minutes across town but felt more like an hour's drive). A million thoughts went through my mind would he appreciate my little eccentricies. I mean there are things I just can't seem to change it's a part of my DNA. If I laugh hard enough I sound like that animated dog...I think his name is Smedley and if I know moi, and I do, then he will hear ole Smedley soon. What about the hand thing? I mean they flap as if in a nor' easter when I talk. What about my annoying habit of singing when I've had too much wine? And....my cooking abilities leave a lot to be desired, a lot. Okay, I shake it off - after all I am a woman with a little seasoning to my soul. Yes, maybe this last divorce rubbed some salt in already festering wounds but after all wasn't that what seasoning is supposed to do - make the taste mature and perfect to the pallet. Let us all put our fingers to our lips (you ladies of a certain age) and kiss them like you see italian women do as if sending loving smooches to the world.
I WAS nervous until I actually saw him and looked into his puppy dog eyes. They were smiling and I felt my heart go ahhh. We unexpectedly went to a certain lodge and as expected I spilled red wine on my white shirt - twice. Went home to change - twice. Was he embarrassed, actually no, he thought it was so cute and ordered me white wine instead. Oh and my friends, oh my the girls from the Monday Night Prime Chicks Club were in fine form. Drinking, dancing and checking out the new meat. They liked him as well, maybe a little too much if you get my drift. Back off you rabid hounds - it was as if the last intelligent man with a nice ass on the planet of Texas was up for grabs. I shouldn't have worried however he was about me with just enough attention to everyone else for them to rave about him the next day.
Hmmm where will all this compatability lead - heck maybe to the bedroom when the time is right. That is the primary goal for all of us. To give ourselves the time and to know ourselves well enough that when we finally do make that leap to the flannel sheets (a gift from my brother who is convinced I should join a convent) I will 99% know it will be good and I will be free to enjoy it with no other thoughts other than pleasing myself and my partner. Notice that unlike my twenties I put myself before my partner? Yes, well I have learned the tough way that if you do put your own pleasure first the man will benefit and benefit greatly. Is he over my shoulder reading this particular column? Nah....but wouldn't he like too ;)
Ciao Babeez,
Steph
Surfer Dude
Whew....I am just tired. I don't know if it's all the Christmas Shopping (if you read the column before this one I am talking about ACTUAL Christmas shopping), the extended driving to Grandma's house, the working out of the kid's holiday schedules or the juggling of money from one hand to the other but the ole gal is pooped. So, I am tired of dating, poof through with the entire mess of meeting and greeting, smiling and laughing , being shocked by lack of personal hygiene (you don't even want to know).
So having made that decision I greet the world with a new found sense of being free of the chains of possible mates. With this straight line sense of purpose I go to the southern holy graille of discount shopping -Wal-Mart. In between the coffee creamer and the diet soda my phone rings. His voice is kind and warm what I can hear of it over the loudspeaker as Wal-Mart announces it's profound thanks for being a loyal customer. "What did you say and who is this?"
I could have sworn he said "The One".....what? "My name is surfer dude calling from a land locked state." Oh, okay well can I call you in about an hour? Sure he says and I swear I can picture an easy going smile.
Two hours later after almost burning the house down by not turning off the beans, fighting and killing the smoke detector I sit and stare at the phone. I slowly push my glasses up my nose and fidget with a curl escaping from the pile on top of my head -I smell like burnt legumes. I am so tired of this dating thing should I really call it would be so much easier just to let it go and after sufficient rest I will see if he is still available in a few months. That would be so much easier I sigh. In the end I am a woman of my word if I say I am going to call, I do. So I do....we talk well into the night and I can't breath.
After three conversations and no date I still find it difficult to inhale and exhale air when I hear his voice. As if oxygen makes my stomach flutter. Who are you really Surfer Dude? Just when I was ready to buy out the Doritoes at Wal-Mart you call. Oh yes, that's right I had a little wine before and sent you one final message with my number and you called.
Online dating - not bad. I had seen him standing in a green pasture with pine trees behind him and a slight grin on his face. Something about those eyes - like a puppy. I hadn't even noticed his other photos he ask - what! I race to my computer tripping over my cat's litter box and my dogs gargantuine bone. All the while wrapping myself in a huge sweater. Ahhh the marvel of technology there he was in a full body pic and a pic of his children - strong genes and yeah nice jeans. What is wrong with me? I can almost feel myself sinking into his flannel shirt, smelling the last remnants of a cigarette and the soothing scent of his skin. He will smell like the air and the sky, I don't know how I know but I do. My lip twitches like a scared rabbit. What about the other fabulous men I have met? They were .....great in their own way. I don't know why I didn't respond like this - I apologize to each and every one of you, Captain Hygiene, Mac Machismo, Puss N Boots, McGyver, Jolly Rancher, Dog the Muscle Head and The Russian - most of all you (so kind and endearing). I must see where this leads and it may lead absolutely no where but to you all the woman who gets you or has you now, I hope in my heart of hearts she will appreciate you.
As for you - I can't wait to be in your presence so I can breathe again or maybe my lungs will just explode and I will embarrass myself in front of you. Ha! I am sure of that, I am famous for tripping over shadows and having the worst tasting dish at the party but I make up for it by being the life of a dreary evening.
So my fellow daters be prepared I am taking down my online profiles, I am not accepting fix-ups (unless it's for the insulation underneath my house - come on over) - All of this because I feel butterflies in the lost recesses of my heart. All of this so I can just breath with surfer dude. Don't worry I will be sure to keep you updated on this sudden turn of events - until next week.
Ciao,
Steph
Christmas Shopping
Okay, we as women of the world - older women of the world should be totally comfortable with the thought of sex. I mean after all it's ridiculous to have to pretend you are a virgin at our age. Remember that guys, I have no interest in pretending I don't know how to have sex! As a matter of fact, one of my biggest regrets is that when I was younger I actually had sex not for the giving and recieving of love but because I felt I HAD to. Never again - so that means if I go out on a date I most likely will NOT be having sex with you. Why you ask - well let me tell you - because I am only going to have it if I respect the person I am with and I think I am actually going to ENJOY it, it would be nice if you were my best friend as well but that seems unlikely for a while. Now what all this means for the woman who finally has the sex thing figured out: long periods of drought. So ...... what's a girl to do?
This is what you do - go shopping, not just anywhere darlin' but go to the little red store in the stix. Yes, that's right the nearest toy store for adults has been relegated to a rural piece of dirt north of town. First of all, I have never been to one of these stores (yes I know) so I naturally had some trepidition but Sista Kat was insistent that we go and I was, I admit, intrigued by the thought. Especially since I seemed to be dwelling in the Sahara Desert. And as much as I hate to admit it this is how the afternoon went:
I drove through several water filled puddles and got my car really dirty hoping to disguise it. I donned a ball cap and some big sunglasses and a long sweater even though it was an Al Gore moment of unseasonbly warm weather for December. As Sista Kat got into the car I peered at her over my black frames and told her that scarf wrapped Audrey Hepburn like around her head looked ridiculous we weren't even in a convertable. She peered at me over her dark tortoise shell frames and told me to shut up and drive as she put on her black leather gloves. Sweating and checking the rear view mirror all the way we finally make it to the adult store and park around the back of the shack. Was that banjo music I hear, I ask Sista, "if anyone says you sure got a pretty mouth....I am gone, do I make myself clear".
We walk through the creaking screen door - "OMG - OMG - OMG" - every other word out of my mouth. The woman behind the front counter looked at us as if we were crazy and asked with a little suspicion if it was still warm outside - yes I said as I wrapped the sweater collar up under my chin. I have to tell you I have never seen anything like what was hanging right there on the wall. What in the world are you supposed to do with that? Counter lady looked at me quizzally.....how old are you? Funny counter lady real funny.
Well, I finally remove my sunglasses after bumping into a table of ...... I am still not exactly sure. And I get comfortable enough to pick out a little discreet friend but the color...is there another color? This is florescent, is that even healthy? Did I see counter lady role her eyes a little or maybe even a lot? THEN OMG the front door opens and we run into another room as if we might be seen, as if maybe our mothers had joined forces and had found us with our hands in the toy box! Heart pounding I look around OMG - we are in the movie section. I said OMG way too loud. Images of cardboard images are burned into my brain (you mean you can actually DO THAT - interesting). Clutching each other and our florescent prizes we rush incognito to the counter where Sista Kat pays first then the comedian known as Counter Lady looks at me her eyes twinkling - "you see this" she holds up this rabbit looking glove thing.."it fits right over" - I gasp effectively cutting off her next few words then pull out my bills and say..."yeah throw that in the bag too".
Ciao,
Steph
In The Event
The major events of our lives are marked by ceremonies such as births, marriages, graduations and yes even funerals. The recent passing of a dear aunt made me cry at the thought of her other sisters without her, made me smile at sweet memories and as I watched her loving daughter going meticulously through her mother's belongings a week after the event a sobering thought dried my tears: the thought of my children (and my MOTHER) sorting through my possessions if I passed away on the drive home.
Now, this is very important if your name is on this list you are NOT allowed to go to my funeral - If YOUR name is on this list then you better do as I say or I will haunt your arse till the end of time. Alletay, Annie Girl, Sista Kat, Musty, Sister and YOU Lizzard. Listen carefully while everyone is at the funeral this is what I need you to do: (cue: Mission Impossible theme music)
Alletay – Open up the bureau by the bed and burn whatever is in there (you can take the batteries out if you wish and recycle them)
Annie Girl – My computer at my home office, remove the hard drive and run over it in your car at least twelve times we need to make sure those pics are truly dead
Sista Kat – my big sis, your pop is a lawyer – I need you to enforce those confidentiality agreements to the following people: Ex #1, Ex #2 and you guessed it Ex #3
Musty – No one can whip up a casserole as fast as you, do what you do best, the other women are going to get hungry
Sister, we shared a crib I think you can do this for me – I want you to plant a bastard tree over that fourth husband in the back yard (preferably at night)
Lizzard – You my dearest one need to take care of my cell phone, delete the 800 numbers and make sure the "call history" is erased.
Repeat after me - "She was just saintly always so quiet and unassuming", now drink my last bottle of wine throw away the old wine bottles in the neighbors garbage and have a good laugh.
Ciao,
Steph
The Princess Bride
Some people would say that continual dating (say eight years) is just too much that the relationship, if it had not gone further in that time, would not EVER go any further. Maybe this wouldn't take into account a painful divorce and the death of the other's spouse. Perhaps, some wounds if they are gouged deep enough into the delicate psyche need eight years to heal.
Then the sun shines onto a beach in the Bahamas and it shines onto a man who meticulously planned a whirlwind wedding all on his own. His AnnieGirl was whisked away but not without thought - so thoughtful was her man that he had her hair and makeup person ready to go. He had chosen her dress, this is true, HOWEVER he chose four different dresses and let her choose the one she wanted. He chose the ring but knew her taste so well she absolutely loved all FOUR KARATS. He even designed the cake! That isn't all - he had all her family there, which was most important to our princess. What woman wouldn't have stood in the white powdered sand and trembled? Just the mere thought that another human being would want to make such a statement about his love and committment blows this writer away. Of course, I love AnnieGirl, but somehow in the back of my mind I had lost faith that this kind of love, the kind of thoughtful tender all out love that Robbit showed Annie - could actually exist between one man and one woman.
I must be honest I don't go to weddings anymore. I think of the expense and then tally up the cost of the divorce. So for some reason people don't want to even sit in the pew next to me - can't imagine why. This was different - this was two people who had experienced the highs and lows that only life can show you. It truly opened my eyes (gosh what is this wet stuff on my cheek! ) to how important love is to our very soul. Will the rest of us really find it? Can we survive without it? Yes - we can and we can have beautiful fulfilling lives that we can be proud of, however when we see those we love finding that illusive dream we can put aside our bitterness, our hard won shell and be happy for them and most of all optimistic. They should not see one iota of doubt when we hug them and wish for them the best that love has to offer. So you go AnnieGirl.....love you to pieces.
And Robbit - I apologize for thinking that if you ever did marry it would be in a titty bar with a free keg. You are truly an amazing man - hats off buddy.
So, should love have a time limit? No.....
Ciao,
Steph
The White Russian
Okay, we have all seen the television show "Sex and the City" and of course I am a big fan, the writing and acting is superb. I really truly did not set out to imitate that show. I kinda fell into this column gig - my life coincided with the column's subject. However, I am now writing a dating/relationship column and I am also getting involved with someone who mysteriously talks like Boris Yeltsin. I tell my friends, "No one on earth who has watched that show would now believe I am involved with a Russian". But guess what - you are right. I have met and I must say fascinated by my White Russian. Oh don't worry there is no Mr. Big out there to come and rescue me if the Russian whisks me away to the other Paris (France for those of you who live in Paris, Texas like - moi).
Can I just say this....yes let me just say this - I'll be his Natasha any day of the week. The tenor of his voice is like a deep red wine and that accent - oooh la la. I even adore the way he says "beaches". I must tell you, dear readers, I did not put much stock into him at first. So what he has the sexiest accent ever there was, that same language barrier has made for a few misunderstandings. In my best Texas drawl I asked him if he thought I looked thick and he said "yes he loves thick". He understood rather quickly what I meant for him to say was "Oh darling you look beautiful".
The White Russian lives on another coast and it isn't the Gulf of Mexico. I didn't really want to start another long distance relationship. It is only the most secure and strong of men who can actually handle being in a relationship where you only see that special someone intermittingly - almost like cooking if you don't get to practice you forget the skill. We even went for a time without speaking quite so much and we missed each other. Now that is exciting to actually miss someone. Then a strange thing happened, I heard past the accent and felt something beyond the sexual attraction. He had so much to say about culture, religion, politics, love and Rod Stewart songs. He spoke to me as if my opinion mattered and although my life is so different from his he finds mine fascinating.
Can such cultural differences enhance or come between two people? Isn't that in a nutshell what war is all about? Why such big questions when all we are really looking at is a man and a woman. Will I go to the coast? Will he come again to the land of the Alamo? I am sure.
Is he boyfriend material? OH YES but is he boyfriend material for moi? It remains to be seen but I do know one thing for sure I am so enjoying the wine.
Caio,
A Woman's Worth
I am standing in front of the magic mirror you know the one - the tall skinny magic mirror. I bought this mirror because it makes me look more like the way I want to look in my mind's eye. In my dreams I am tall (actually I am tall), I weigh less and I have a rounded behind and flat washboard abs my lover (if I had one) would beg to eat sushi off of. On second thought maybe not sushi - ice cream preferably almond pistachio. I digress...
As I am sucking in my cheeks and making out the faint sun spots on my still supple yet older skin I began to see each and every one of my flaws. Mentally I listed every one - the hump on my nose, the roundness of my cheeks, my lips weren't the puffed pillows of Julia Roberts, those slight crows feet, oh and my midsection - the once flat plain that now, after harboring my children was more like waves on the shore of a sad ocean. I feel so unattractive I just put the clothes I had laid out for the evening far far away. Sitting on the bed alone I wondered how a man would ever find me attractive. Had....in fact the boat that is my personal love life sailed? NO WAY BAYBEE.....
I've had more dates than you can shake that proverbial stick at. I would venture to say more than in my twenties. So as i sat on the bed wrapped in a towel waiting for my hair to dry I started wondering why. I think it's because I don't really care to find that ONE true love right now. I am enjoying my freedom and I am enjoying dating around, of course the secret to that one is to DATE around - not SLEEP around.
The concept of dating without really mate searching is new to me but I just have a very fulfilling life. I have wonderful relationships with my children, I have the best set of girlfriends any person male or female would love to have. I think men sense this when a woman is comfortable in her own skin even if that skin is not perfect. I have my physical flaws and sometimes that can get me down but there is so much more to a person than the physical. Of course there must be attraction on that primal level but I believe that when a person is attracted to a "package" verses a body your perceived flaws grow fainter - kinda like stretch marks. A close friend of mine, we will call him Papa Pervert (he's not really perverted he just tells it like he sees it ) says that if a man can get past his own lust and really truly get to know the woman he is with her flaws are difficult to see as if looking at an exquisite tapestry and focusing in on the most beautiful shade of burgundy - you miss that faded mustard yellow. In turn he says a superb set of tits can make that saggy arse a lot less noticeable (see why he is Papa Pervert - what did I tell ya).
I am waiting for that I think - if I am really waiting at all - I am waiting for that man to see all the good in me. It isn't hard to find in me or in you. There is humanity good, motherhood good, friendship good and sexy good, among others, and I just want HIM to see it.
Now, I have to get those sexy clothes out once again because I like to show a little boobage when I am out (hey if you have it flaunt it). This is what I am going to concetrate on as I head out the door, for one thing I smell really really good, my clothes fit well and are snug in just the right places (viola ten pounds gone like that), I look classy and I have aged well. No one but you my dears will know that only a few moments ago I felt like just opening a bag of FLAMING Doritoes, drinking a 32 ounce Dr. Pepper and eating almond pistachio ice cream in boxers and a wife beater.
Ciao,
Soul Matee's
Aye Mates - I love those Aussie's
I have been pondering the question of soul mates. Is there really one person on this opulant blue planet created especially for you? For me? For anyone? Someone that when you look into their eyes you recognize them - and you hear your soul sigh as if saying, "ahhh I can stop looking now".
I took this question to the streets of Pari' (Texas that is) and made some rather interesting discoveries. Get this: The younger the woman the rosier the outlook. As I looked around I noticed something peculiar about the women I was questioning. The baby women all wore rose tinted glasses and we older women had a glass of wine in one hand and clear reading glasses perched on our nose. I asked Darlin Donna about her 30 plus year marriage. Was he, my friend, your soulmate? Her fingers long and graceful with horn blowing red tips snapped in the air bringing us all to full attention, Oh hell no she said.
So....thirty plus years with someone and you don't think he is your soulmate. I felt my heart sink and as I glanced around I swear the baby women seemed to deflate like beautiful hot air balloons fluttering to the ground. I hadn't realized until that very moment that I wanted her to say that yes they existed and that life was so much more rich and wonderful once you found that one person made for you. In the silence like an angel on a white charger (in this case a cherry wood bar stool) in rode G. G. (I can't tell you what the initials stand for, if I told you I would have to kill you per/G.G.). "Oh I still believe", said the twice married and twice divorced forty five year old whose oldest daughter occupied a bar stool. G.G. glanced at the faces dramatically as if everyone needed to hear what she was saying, "a soul mate is made not born. You find that magic in a man and then you create him into your soulmate". Oh no that goes against everything I said, you can't change someone's basic character you MUST find someone who fits you like a well worn gardening glove and then the gardening begins. Together you pull the weeds and tend the soil, you water it with love and hot sex, you pull the dead weight off and make room for new growth - you take him chicken soup when he has a cold. You realize it's not always sexy, it's not always perfect and that he won't always feel like your soulmate but that doesn't mean he isn't. Like a garden a soulmate must be nourished and you must believe it will bloom. Ahhh the baby women looked at me with hope again their brightly colored rose balloons seeming to fill with the potential for flight.
There is a jewish belief that says a person may have up to seven mates from which to choose to spend their life. Giving the baby women and secretly moi a reason to stay on the path to find that one person who can fulfill at least most of our wants and needs. It's a beautiful concept really that perhaps your soul is meant to work out a few things, a few thorns on the rose before actually meeting the bloom. Maybe a couple of exes of mine were those soulmates and maybe just maybe the final soulmate is around the corner ready to build a garden.
The Barbie Wars
Sometimes it seems that we women besides being mothers, sisters, wives, co-workers and daughters are also fierce warriors in this conflict known as dating. Among ourselves women are in general funny, entertaining, loyal and trustworthy but throw a man into the mix and what do you have: The Barbie Wars. We become competitive and often times petty, prefering to focus attention on the giles of another woman instead of on the man unwittingly (or maybe not so unwittingly) causing all the conflict.
Listen you women of the twenty first century jealousy amongst ourselves is self defeating. After all what is your goal? For most of us human beings out here in dating land we ultimately want to find that one person who we are comfortable with, who we can communicate with easily - that one who makes us feel like molten lava....okay maybe not MOLTEN lava but you get the jist.
Sistas there is an entire industry based on letting women in on the secret of when a guy is just not that into you - oooh catchy phrase you may be thinking. It's catchy because it's now a famous book by author Greg Bernhardt who not only hit the dating world like a hellacious comet but ended up with his own daytime talk show. "He's Just Not That Into You: The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" was also co-written with of all things a woman - Liz Tuccillo.
Here is where I totally and shamelessly quote directly from the book. These are the excuses WOMEN give themselves when a guy doesn't call:
- "Maybe He Doesn't Want to Ruin the Friendship"
- "Maybe He's Intimidated by Me"
- "But He Gave Me His Number"
- "Maybe I Don't Want to Play Games"
Okay ladies, this is where I add my own excuse:
- "I would still have him if Barbie hadn't come along and forced him to call her instead"
See where all this is leading? Just as your best friends Greg and Liz have said, if a man is interested in you NOTHING would stop him from calling. He would beg, borrow or steal just to hear your voice if he truly wanted to hear it. Also, the great guru Greg made such a life changing point and I quote, "Please if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you'd like us to be. I know it's an infuriating concept - that men like to chase and you have to let US chase you."
That small kernal of wisdom from a man's point of view is the holy grail of dating for ANY age (i think I hear angels singing...hear that?). What are the implications? Well what that means for us babeez is that we have the freedom to live without excuses and without this insane female competition. Turn your eyes toward that man and ask yourself if he is really into you. If he isn't you are sure to use one of the above excuses. Take it from moi, cuz we are in this sisterhood together, wait for the man who WANTS to sweep you off your feet, who can't get enough of you - wait for the one who makes you feel like the smart intelligent woman that you are. If you will do that you will see that no other Barbie will be ABLE to turn his head or steal his attention. If you will wait for that awesome feeling of being adored I promise you will never settle for less.
Ciao,
Steph
Clearing The Clutter
Most of us have done it. We have actually taken that first tentative step to either dating for the first time or dating for the first time AFTER being off the market for weeks, months or even years. Of course we all need to find out what we are really truly looking for in a potential partner. You might start with physical traits, must he be tall, wear glasses, be blond or bald (yes Mr. Clean is a fantasy of mine). Then you must look internally. Ask yourself a few questions. Is religion affiliation important to me (take it from me it better be), is he kind to animals (once again better be), does he have a strong work ethic or at least a similar work ethic to yours, is he neat or a slob - is that important to you, does he have a good relationship with his MOTHER. Now one other thing I know you don't want to miss - when you sit across from him enjoying that savory meal, does he make you tingle, In a way that says, the chemistry is pretty darn hot.
Having gone through your own personal check off list you then find that he is missing one or maybe even two deal breakers. What then - oh baby it's time to clear the clutter. It's really all about being honest and in the process of being truthful you free up your time to find all that you are looking for.
Just a few phrases to help you in this de-cluttering process:
1. I think you are a wonderful man, but I am looking for particular traits so I feel we should move on.
2. Since we are adults I feel honest communication is essential and I want you to know that you will be such a wonderful partner - for someone else.
3. Perhaps we should still see other people.
Yes, kittens I know these phrases sound harsh but I actually know not only one female but two who actually married men because those men just wouldn't go away. So, does that mean you marry the guy because when you turn around he happens to be there waiting to love you? Those two friends, who are now divorced, would say that was almost as intoxicating as finding that guy who has EVERYTHING because that perfect soul inspiring guy just never showed up. Which begs the question does he really exist? Another day, another column - on to decluttering.
So, now here we are down to the one guy out of the litter that has caught your attention on many levels. Sistas - it is scary because now you open yourself up to actually beginning a caring relationship. Now is the time to see if depth comes along with those dimensions. Remember keep your check list close not only to your bedside but to your heart.
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